


Wilted Petals

by Okami01



Series: Leo Week 2020 [3]
Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Depression, Gen, Grief/Mourning, King Leon | Leo, Multi, Post-Canon, Post-Fire Emblem Fates: Birthright, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:07:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24973555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Okami01/pseuds/Okami01
Summary: After the war, Leo struggles to come to term with how he feels.
Relationships: Camilla & Elise & Leon | Leo & Marx | Xander, Leon | Leo & Odin & Zero | Niles
Series: Leo Week 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1801414
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13
Collections: Leo Week 2020





	Wilted Petals

Leo didn't hate his family. He thought that, if he truly hated them, then he would have disowned them. He just didn't know what he was supposed to do. He had never been a particularly sentimental person. Family bonding activities sort of eluded him. Kindness and family bonding was not his area of expertise. 

He didn't have much to compare his family to. Nile's parents were dead, Odin never talked about his family. His retainers were also strange in their ways.

Leo supposed he should be grateful. He spent time with his family and he always wondered if they were really that close. Corrin spent most of their life locked in a tower. Azura had been kidnapped. Elise ran around the castle giggling and eating pastries. Leo scolded her more than he should. It didn't matter much anymore how she acted. Camilla coddled everyone. She was embarrassed sometimes. Xander was distant. Formal even. Their father seemed cruel and, even though Xander insisted he'd changed, that he used to be kinder, Leo never saw it. 

The less said about their mothers, his father's wives, and concubines, the better. 

If you looked up happy families in a dictionary, it wasn't any of them. At least that's what Leo thought at first 

It took him far too long to realize how wrong he was. 

The less Leo thought about Corrin, the better. He'd been jealous before. And at least now he could say that he wasn't. He's sure that his family must love him more now. Because he didn't turn traitor. Leo didn't side with Hoshido and he hadn't gotten half of his family killed. 

Leo never had any grand aspirations to usurp Xander or their father. Well, there was a point when he'd noticed how uncharacteristically evil his father was acting. At that point, it was too late. It was too late for a lot of things. 

Leo had never wanted to be king. Not like this especially. Not with his brother and younger sister dead. Azura gone, Corrin defected. Odin and Selena were distraught because Laslow was dead. Camilla was depressed. She hid it most times she came around but he knew. 

Leo was stressed out and sad. Those were understatements of course. There was always so much work. There was so much sadness. He hid it as well. Did everything he could to keep things bottled up. Not just because it would only make Camilla even sadder, but the Kingdom of Nohr was in shambles. They didn't need a king who cried all the time. Who didn't get enough sleep because he constantly had nightmares?

He should have been able to see this coming. Should have been able to stop Corrin. He should have been stronger and smarter. 

That battle in the Forest of Forlorn should have ended with Corrin's death. He curses himself for his sentimentality. If he would have been more cold-hearted, then it wouldn't have gotten worse. 

Leo knows he needs to be a better king. So he can't let the work overwhelm him. 

When Camilla asked him if he would take her place in the line of succession, who was he to say no. She looked on the verge of tears. And he knew he could handle it. He just had to stop thinking about the past. It wasn't going to do him any good to be stuck there.

At least that's what Leo told himself. He read a book about grieving. It was terrible so he stopped reading it. Even books betrayed him. Stop living in the past, the book said. That was fine. Things will get better with time. No, they won't. Will his family come back from the dead? No. They weren't. Would the damage to the kingdom just disappear? Of course not. Leo needed to work hard, not think about how sad he was. 

Eventually, Leo would die. From old age or some Hoshidan backstabbing. So maybe time did heal all wounds but it was a slow and agonizing process that he didn't want to be a part of. 

At least he found the answer to his question. It took far too much to realize how much he loved his family. In every painful memory that he felt in the palace.  
Xander would never be in the training grounds again. Nor would he be at the training grounds in Corrin's tower. He'd never again try to keep Nohr from falling too much into disarray or try to solve all his family's issues by himself in secret. 

He couldn't stay in any of his father's rooms or Xanders. He hated the throne room and he spent as little time there as usual. Being King made it difficult. And no matter where he tried to run, the memories, good and bad were still there.

Leo would never hear Elise in the kitchen trying to sneak pastries out during all hours of the day. Just as he'd never hear her retainers eating and yelling about justice all the time. There were no sounds of his younger sister running down the halls or trying to force him to play with her. 

He missed it. He missed her and he missed Xander. He missed Corrin too, not that he wanted to admit it. Their face conjured a rage when before it had been jealousy. When they'd gone to Hoshido it was like a bunch of white noise. A haze. Leo barely remembers anything, only that he didn't cause an international incident. He knows that if he would have paid much more attention to the Hoshidan royal family's happy ending, he would have snapped. 

There's a bitter, ugly part of himself that is glad Azura died. So at least they have someone to mourn too. But he always liked Azura and he feels awful for thinking about her like that. She deserved better than the way his father treated her. Even though she's dead now, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. 

Corrin asked him for forgiveness. Camilla might be able to, but Leo doesn't think he can. Of course, it doesn't matter if he can or not. The last thing he needs is another war. He can't lose any more people that he cares about. He's always been ok at putting up a strong front, this doesn't have to be any different. 

Every time Camilla goes out to the markets or Odin and Niles go off on missions, he worries. He worries he'll never see them again. 

Bless his retainers and their ability to deal with his crap, Leo thinks On the days when he doesn't feel cold and numb. They pick up so much of his slack. He hates that they have to do that for him. So he tries more than anything else to throw himself into his work. Which isn't hard m, because there is a lot of work to do. 

They've stopped asking him if he's ok. They know he's not. And Leo doesn't want to lie to them on top of everyone else. Still, they keep telling him, if he wants to talk about it he can. 

Leo doesn't want to talk about it. He makes sure to eat, to dress properly. Most days he manages to get some sleep. He doesn't want to get sick and die. Well, he sort of does. But he can't do that. He can't leave Camilla and Niles and Odin behind like that. He should at least get his kingdom to a more stable place. If he can't lessen their sorrow and rage, then he at least doesn't want to make things harder for them. He fears that he is. Fears that he always will and that there's nothing he can do about it. Like he's underwater and can only barely manage to not drown. 

One day, Leo overheard Niles and Odin talking. "People used to die around me all the time. And I never cared. I don't think we have the same outlook on death… but… if there's anything I can do…." He sighs.

Odin must be sad if he's breaking character. " I lost a lot of people back… where I'm from… And wasn't expecting to lose Laslow too. I know he'd kill me if he saw me like this. He'd tell me to smile… War is terrible for everyone. It does things to the people who are alive and… I've always hated that."

Leo still doesn't know what secret war Odin came from and he agrees. But it doesn't make it any better. 

" I wish," Odin says so quietly that Leo can barely hear it. " I wish that I could go back in time to fix his future too." 

And the next day, in Leo's office, Odin tells him all this. He tells him about how he, Laslow, and Selena came from the future. How all their families were killed. How the three of them came to this world to stop an ancient evil and then how they failed. But the evil was vanquished from this world anyway. That the price was steep. That's how war was, it took things from you that you weren't ready for. It's awful every time. It's beyond that. 

Odin sort of has tears in his eyes. So does Leo, unfortunately. 

" I don't want to tell you how to grieve, Leo. I just want you to know that it's ok too."

Leo doesn't say anything. Odin puts his arm on his shoulder. Leo still doesn't say anything because he doesn't know what to say. And he hates that. 

" I can't," he says finally. 

Odin doesn't say anything for a while. " No one can do it alone." He hugs Leo. Leo hugs him back. 

He hates it because, he doesn't want it to end and he wants it too all at the same time.

" Odin… I appreciate it… but I'm a king now and I can't…" Can't be sad, can't cry, can't angry, can't grieve. There are so many things. 

If Leo had been a more outgoing, happy person, everyone would have noticed. 

Odin looks at him with the eyes of someone who really has lived through three wars. "Kings are people and they need things just like anyone else. It doesn't make you weaker that you're sad. And… Niles says he'll kill anyone who says otherwise."

Leo nods. " I'm… sure it won't come to that." He hates his voice these days. Hates that he can never come up with the right words. He hates a lot of things. 

" But… I'm really-" He sighs. " Thank you. I'm so glad you're still around." He looks to the wall where he's almost certain that Niles is eavesdropping. " Both of you."

" We know. Take things as slowly as you need to. We'll always be your friends you know."

" They'd want you to think about them… To think about the good times that you shared. If you have times like that… Well… I'm sure it sounds cliche and all to you but they really will always be in your heart."

Odin seems to have found some peace within these opinions. Leo isn't sure about it himself. 

Leo never thought he'd liked how they both were acting nicer to him. He hates pity. But he cries on Odin's shoulder all the same, which feels extremely weird. And he said he was going to talk to Camilla. 

____

He does tell Camilla, not everything but that he's sad and he misses Elise and Xander. She hugged him so hard, and for so long, that his arm started feeling numb. She thanked him for becoming king. Leo doesn't know that he wants her thanks. There are worse things that could have happened to him. 

It doesn't feel bad. Not as bad as it used to feel. He still gives speeches he doesn't care much about. Life continues to go on. Leo partially goes through the motions. There are some things that he's started to care about again. 

He starts to pay attention to the seasons again. Winter. Harsh and cold. Spring where flowers bloom, then their petals fall. Green and vibrant before browning and dying again. It's a cycle. It's death and life, but it never ends. Which is sort of comforting in a way. 

They make a grave. A public one. Many commoners come to visit. It's big, nice and there are flowers everywhere. Leo doesn't actually like it all that much. Because there are always people there. And he does want to grieve but not around a bunch of strangers.

The flowers people leave their whither and die. Leo hates those the most. They look beautiful for a while but they end up crunchy and brown. Thrown away. As do the flowers that maids repeatedly try to place around the castle. Sometimes, Leo uses his magic to keep them alive. He doesn't know why exactly. When he thinks about it. It feels good to use his magic to prolong someone's life. The second flowers are cut, they are sentenced to death. No matter how beautiful or healthy they are. 

There are a lot of analogies to flowers in books. How Camilla was graceful like a lily. How Elise was cute like a poppy. There was a whole flower language that Leo never bothered to look into before. And for some reason, he thinks about the time that Xander and Leo's horses broke out of their stalls and started eating all the flowers in the royal garden. 

He knows horses are intelligent animals. They knew what they were doing. 

Leo goes out to the forest by the castle. He just does for no reason other than to think about Xander and Elise. Which is strange even to himself. He could always think about them. But for some reason, it's better here.   
He starts planting flowers there. Fencing off a part of it and clearing out the muck. Cleaning off cobwebs off the trees. Bringing a blanket and reading for hours. He always feels better afterward. 

The flowers here have started to grow all throughout the forest. Wild and all over the place. They're getting stronger, adapting, growing little thorns. 

It's peaceful in a way. No one else here. It's quiet. He tries something that was in the book about grieving.   
" You would like these flowers, Elise," he mutters. With all the dirt in his fingernails. He hopes she would. Sounding a little ridiculous to himself. It isn't like they can hear him, but he likes saying these things. Better than screaming in his nightmares. 

" I know I need to get stronger Xander."  
Somehow, it feels better saying their names. And not in a sad way that he sometimes does. "… I'm going to do better… For the people who are alive and… for myself."

Leo still feels numb sometimes. He doesn't hate the feel of the grass and the calmness in the air. He worries a lot. Doesn't get much sleep. Falls asleep writing trade deals and all sorts of things. He's not happy all the time, but he tries to be now, and sometimes, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Leo week! Thanks for reading!  
> @tavitay on Twitter


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